Naked, Vulnerability of Grief

March 1, 2024

3 minutes

“You don’t know grief. You have grief, yet you refuse to face it, Genna.” Those words haunt me as they were like a spell that was cast on me, making it so I would know grief, I would face grief. These words were spoken by a former lover, igniting a chain reaction that led me through 1.5 years of profound grief.

The grief of the ones I love the most who transcended into the non-physical, starting with my grandfather, my grandmother, my cousin, my beloved amazing cat son Zen.

Mixed with the grief combined with joy I experienced last year as I moved out of my favorite place in the world, Sedona, to Pittsburgh. After the joy and grief mixed together of going from a single woman, to fiancée, a wife, and now maiden to mother. When just 1.5 years ago I was a single woman. The grief of lovers’ past that still haunts me.

The grief of the old version of who I used to be and the discovery of who I am now, and who I am becoming. The grief of the state of the world. The grief of lost dreams never achieved. The grief of letting go of the expectations of the family I wanted, and want and don’t have. The grief of who I want others to be. The grief of myself transforming, transitioning, and turning into someone new I don’t yet know and have yet to meet.

Yet in all the grief, there is also so much joy, so much happiness, so much excitement as each death comes with a new birth. A new beginning. A new version of me, yet to be discovered.

In my own life, I have felt so much grief. I feel I’ve lived so many lives, been so many different people and faces, it’s a constant game of peekaboo with myself finding myself, realizing who I am, who I am now, who I am not, who I want to be.

In this lifetime, I dream of being someone in great service to the world, making a difference, and helping people. Often frozen in how to do it when I myself feel so human, when I feel I am in a season in my life where I feel I have fallen into the illusion of this dream world we live in. I don’t feel enlightened, I don’t feel as spiritually connected although I know I always am and my faith stands strong. I don’t feel like much of a leader to teach. Yet I choose to continue on teaching, guiding, even when I often don’t feel I have the answers simply by sharing my own story, my own grief, my own feelings, praying and hoping that simply by sharing my naked vulnerable grieving heart it leads and teaches others to love deep, be vulnerable and to know it’s safe to feel the pain, knowing that the amount of your pain is the amount of your love.

Leading people back to unconditional love. First to self, then to others, finally to the universe itself.

If you too are experiencing grief, one piece of advice I know I can lead you in is this: In grief find joy for after death always comes rebirth. Keep loving for it’s who you are, it’s who you’ve always been, don’t allow the grief to cause you jadedness but allow it to transform you into deeper love, deeper joy, deeper vulnerability. Your pain and grief are exactly why you came to earth, to feel and experience all the weathers, colors, and emotions of this beautiful life existence we call “being Human.”

Love deep, be real, be raw, be vulnerable. It’s okay to be HUMAN.

If I didn’t know grief before, if I avoided grief before, I know and feel it now, and I am glad I know and have faced it and one day you will be too.